7/1/08

Tonight is horrible. I watched something on t.v. about eating disorders, and ever since then I just don't want anything to do with anyone. I just want to hide and cry. I feel like nobody really gets me because I never let enough of myself show, and if I do, then the people who do see more of me depict my flaws. I just want to hide. I feel like everyone from my past hates me. I've walked throughout my life trying to please everyone by being thinner, smarter, funnier, prettier, sluttier, purer, whatever they want me to be. I couldn't finish the eating disorder show. I left and went into my boyfriend's room (at his apartment) and started bawling my eyes out. He doesn't understand. He thinks that I'm "better" and I should not cry about things like that. He holds me so close to him emotionally and I don't like it. He always wants to say our prayers. He always wants to have sex. Those things make me feel numb sometimes. I've been trying to lose weight the healthy way lately. I watch calories compulsively. I am eating enough, but in order to actually lose one pound a week I have to burn off a lot so that I can eat more throughout the day and still lose. My legs are hurting from doing so much at the gym. I miss my best friend. I feel like everyone here is fake. I hardly ever talk to her anymore. I miss my mom and dad. I don't know where I belong or who I am anymore. I don't think I ever did, so I don't know why I'm saying "anymore." People say eating disorders are selfish. Well, is it so selfish to want to please other people? Is it selfish to want to feel worthy of life? I have an Algebra test Thursday and I have no idea how to work the problems that will be on the test. I failed an American Government test last week. I can't stop crying and even if I could I don't want to.

I love this song...

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you owe me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed