1.26.09

I had a good weekend. I don't regret going to Georgia. I just think it shows how much I will do for a person I love. 13 hours in 72 hours. I really love him. I'm not sure he loves me as much as I love him, but I never allow myself to love someone who loves me more than I can love.

I feel depressed tonight because I've realized that I've hurt some people who have tried to help me. I'm always ready and willing to love someone who will just as sure turn his back on me one day. I think I'm just going to cry this off my back for the night. I have a lot of other things to worry about too. It will be okay. I just want to be alone for right now.

What is love?

Some say love is when another person makes you feel complete. Some say love is giving everything you possibly can without expecting anything in exchange. Some say love is changing everything about your life to be with another person. What happens when love isn't enough? What happens when you give love, and you receive love back, but then a deeper part of you wants more love, but the other person isn't willing to give more up? What happens when everything you've ever said to someone you trusted and cared for more than anyone else is thrown back into your face, and then you do the same to them to feel free from the hurt that person?

I give up, I think. I have no idea what love is anymore. I've moved for two guys, and I never get enough in return. Am I really loving or is something just missing in my life or my heart that makes me complete? Love is never enough for me. I always want more. Maybe I am not chasing guys who love me, but I am chasing torture because I have mistaken that for love?

Everything I touch turns to shit
Everyone I try to love won’t hear of it
Now my hands are overfull of things I’d like to give
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want me?

I’ve been mapping it out
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I’ve been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself

There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da

Everywhere I look I see your face
No button I can push, delete, erase
Got nothing straight but for the emptiness
No one left for me to miss

I’ve been mapping it out
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I’ve been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself

There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da

Down here we’ve got so much time to forget

I wonder if this is how I pay for the things I’ve broken carelessly
Nobody wants to step on it
I guess I just keep drinking

There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da

The problem with falling is
sooner or later you have to hit something

Has anyone ever felt this way?


I don't know. I just feel alone. And I feel like I lost the only thing in my life that ever made me feel remotely complete. I feel like I destroy everything in my life that makes me happy, and shut out everyone who cares. What the fuck was I thinking? :-\