1.26.09

I had a good weekend. I don't regret going to Georgia. I just think it shows how much I will do for a person I love. 13 hours in 72 hours. I really love him. I'm not sure he loves me as much as I love him, but I never allow myself to love someone who loves me more than I can love.

I feel depressed tonight because I've realized that I've hurt some people who have tried to help me. I'm always ready and willing to love someone who will just as sure turn his back on me one day. I think I'm just going to cry this off my back for the night. I have a lot of other things to worry about too. It will be okay. I just want to be alone for right now.

What is love?

Some say love is when another person makes you feel complete. Some say love is giving everything you possibly can without expecting anything in exchange. Some say love is changing everything about your life to be with another person. What happens when love isn't enough? What happens when you give love, and you receive love back, but then a deeper part of you wants more love, but the other person isn't willing to give more up? What happens when everything you've ever said to someone you trusted and cared for more than anyone else is thrown back into your face, and then you do the same to them to feel free from the hurt that person?

I give up, I think. I have no idea what love is anymore. I've moved for two guys, and I never get enough in return. Am I really loving or is something just missing in my life or my heart that makes me complete? Love is never enough for me. I always want more. Maybe I am not chasing guys who love me, but I am chasing torture because I have mistaken that for love?

Everything I touch turns to shit
Everyone I try to love won’t hear of it
Now my hands are overfull of things I’d like to give
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want me?

I’ve been mapping it out
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I’ve been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself

There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da

Everywhere I look I see your face
No button I can push, delete, erase
Got nothing straight but for the emptiness
No one left for me to miss

I’ve been mapping it out
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I’ve been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself

There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da

Down here we’ve got so much time to forget

I wonder if this is how I pay for the things I’ve broken carelessly
Nobody wants to step on it
I guess I just keep drinking

There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da

The problem with falling is
sooner or later you have to hit something

Has anyone ever felt this way?


I don't know. I just feel alone. And I feel like I lost the only thing in my life that ever made me feel remotely complete. I feel like I destroy everything in my life that makes me happy, and shut out everyone who cares. What the fuck was I thinking? :-\

So, here I am again writing. I'm sitting in Duck Hill, MS on a Friday night. Oddly enough, I would not change anything about that statement. I am where my heart feels safe. Why change this?
I have two men on my mind. One is six foot tall and full of military humor and southern charm. The other is close to trailor trash with money. I adore them both.

My heart cannot help my love Blake (number two)-- boy of a year and a half. I miss all of the fun times we had bouncing around like two little kids who would not dare to care about any one or anything else in the entire would. I miss everything about him, unfortunately. I try to talk myself out of it and sometimes it works, but sometimes, on nights like these, it does not.

I think I am just going to go cry. I don't want to think any more.

11-11-08

Today sucks even though nothing bad happened. I'm in the bad habit of not getting anything done lately because I'm so focused on moving.

I've been trying to avoid Blake's phone calls all day and yesterday, and it worked until I gave in. I hate break-ups. I feel like I'm an alcoholic going without alcohol. I can't stand what I'm doing when I'm with him, yet when I am without him I crave him so much that I fool myself into believing that I need him.

So during the conversation I told him it would be best if he did not call any more because we both need to move on. He is so frustrating because he has this way of making me feel like I am just stupid and have no idea what I am talking about - like I just landed on this earth from outer space. He kept telling me that I'm wrong from doing this to him and that I just need to "stop being scared" and be with him.

What a moron. Who knows? Maybe he will get it someday, but until then...I'm gone.

I wrote down a list of personal goals for myself today:
- I want to be happy without feeling empty.
- I want to be okay with being single.
- I want to be closer to God.
- I want to be closer to my family.
- I want to be able to go days without talking to Blake.
- I want to live for me and not for some guy.

10.24.08

Today was one of those days. You know, the kind of day that makes life feel breathless, and leaves you feeling like you are already dead, but still able to walk around and watch the other zombies of the earth, and wonder if they're feeling the same. Accumulating all of 60 degrees Fahrenheit, the day was cold, and not to forget to mention the absolutely freezing, wet bullets the smashed into the earth ...all...day...long. Yes, today was miserable. I woke up wanting to drowned myself back into unconsciousness. I could hear the rain falling outside of my window in its clear, relaxing way - the dribble of wetness that sings you back to sleep. As I got dressed for my day I could already hear the aching voice inside my head telling me to fill the emptiness that sulked deep within my body. Food has always been an obsession. Usually, I can ignore the screaming within me, but on dreary days like today it is hard to escape the voice. I put on my clothes once I could decide what I felt like wearing. I finally chose a rose colored turtle-neck sweater and jeans. As usual, I slung on my pink Columbia jacket and headed out the door, grabbing my black, deformed umbrella on the way out. As soon as I stepped outside I knew the day would be a nightmare. The wind was blowing so hard it nearly knocked me over. It was wet, cold, and worst of all - my umbrella kept turning inside out due to the massive wind strength. I crossed the street towards the bus that would deliver me to campus. The bus was packed, of course, leaving my squished in between two people. English class went by very fast because I had my nose stuck in my book, "New Moon" the entire fifty minutes. Next trip - Sociology - Education Building. The weather had not changed once I made it to the outside again. The next couple of hours went by fast. I went home, thought about food, and read my book. My mood grew grumpier as the day went on. I did go eat lunch with my friend Alex though...that was fun.

I binged tonight to cut my story short, and I hope tomorrow is better.

10.21.08

Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Inside myself and
My own mind
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have seen?

Interesting. I love Natalie Merchant. But. More than I love Natalie Merchant, I love words. Words are hitting me deeply today.

So, I got my acceptance letter from Ole Miss. Being "accepted" still has not phased me yet. Why would anyone want me? I know I'm worth it, but at the same time I also have a string of reasons of why I'm not. Weird, huh? Imagine being accepted to something...or even by someone. No matter how much I want the acceptance I still cannot fathom it. Acceptance is too good to be true in my world. Is it in yours?

Today was good...well, as good as it was going to get. The highlight of my day was my letter from Ole Miss. I woke up feeling nauseous this morning...that's nothing new. I went to class as usual. I came home, and checked my mail to find what I have been expecting for days. I was not surprised...at all. Why? Why does my "Acceptance" still feel like a dream? So, much later on...I went to group. I was bored - horribly. I did not want to be there. My life is not even consumed in my eating disorder right now, or lately for that matter (knock on wood), so why should I go somewhere for an hour and a half and be reminded of the torture I allowed my eating disorder to convince me to put myself through? That's like jumping of a cliff when you know you're going probably going to die. Maybe.

So, I went. I was bored. It's over with now.


:)

10/20/08

Today was good.
I don't have much time to elaborate. Apparently Blake and I are "together" again. =)
I have an early class in the morning...
I hope tomorrow is good!

10/19/08

Today was good. Very good. I've been reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyer; I'm obsessed...completely. Although I did not do much reading today, I did get a bunch of other things accomplished. Today I ran for the first time in a long time for about 45 minutes. It was amazing and fulfilling. When I got home from that I washed a load of clothes and cleaned and rearranged my room. I feel very productive.

Tomorrow is Monday. I will probably have a lot going on this week. I don't care. I am happy. I am excited about my admissions counselor from Ole Miss telling me that he is going to accept me, but I am still waiting for my acceptance letter. I'm still so confused about whether or not I should move, but I would never tell my mother that.

Blake and I have been really good to each other lately. I hope this isn't just some phase...
I love him so much. It seems like that is unacceptable to society. I'm starting to believe that I could care less about what "society" expects of me.

Heh. =) Goodnight.

7/1/08

Tonight is horrible. I watched something on t.v. about eating disorders, and ever since then I just don't want anything to do with anyone. I just want to hide and cry. I feel like nobody really gets me because I never let enough of myself show, and if I do, then the people who do see more of me depict my flaws. I just want to hide. I feel like everyone from my past hates me. I've walked throughout my life trying to please everyone by being thinner, smarter, funnier, prettier, sluttier, purer, whatever they want me to be. I couldn't finish the eating disorder show. I left and went into my boyfriend's room (at his apartment) and started bawling my eyes out. He doesn't understand. He thinks that I'm "better" and I should not cry about things like that. He holds me so close to him emotionally and I don't like it. He always wants to say our prayers. He always wants to have sex. Those things make me feel numb sometimes. I've been trying to lose weight the healthy way lately. I watch calories compulsively. I am eating enough, but in order to actually lose one pound a week I have to burn off a lot so that I can eat more throughout the day and still lose. My legs are hurting from doing so much at the gym. I miss my best friend. I feel like everyone here is fake. I hardly ever talk to her anymore. I miss my mom and dad. I don't know where I belong or who I am anymore. I don't think I ever did, so I don't know why I'm saying "anymore." People say eating disorders are selfish. Well, is it so selfish to want to please other people? Is it selfish to want to feel worthy of life? I have an Algebra test Thursday and I have no idea how to work the problems that will be on the test. I failed an American Government test last week. I can't stop crying and even if I could I don't want to.

I love this song...

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you owe me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

6/27/08

I have a test today. =\ I'm proud to say that I did not have any nightmares last night! Wish me luck...

6/26/08

It's a Thursday. I love Thursdays, and what makes this Thursday so significant is the storms that came with it.

Today has been a good day, aside from my crazy nightmare last night. Last night my nightmare included knife fights and a whole bunch of blood. I won't go into much detail because I refuse to remember most of the dream. The night before my nightmare was filled with snakes. When will they end? Ugh.

Blake comes home in three days and I could not be more excited. =]