10.24.08

Today was one of those days. You know, the kind of day that makes life feel breathless, and leaves you feeling like you are already dead, but still able to walk around and watch the other zombies of the earth, and wonder if they're feeling the same. Accumulating all of 60 degrees Fahrenheit, the day was cold, and not to forget to mention the absolutely freezing, wet bullets the smashed into the earth ...all...day...long. Yes, today was miserable. I woke up wanting to drowned myself back into unconsciousness. I could hear the rain falling outside of my window in its clear, relaxing way - the dribble of wetness that sings you back to sleep. As I got dressed for my day I could already hear the aching voice inside my head telling me to fill the emptiness that sulked deep within my body. Food has always been an obsession. Usually, I can ignore the screaming within me, but on dreary days like today it is hard to escape the voice. I put on my clothes once I could decide what I felt like wearing. I finally chose a rose colored turtle-neck sweater and jeans. As usual, I slung on my pink Columbia jacket and headed out the door, grabbing my black, deformed umbrella on the way out. As soon as I stepped outside I knew the day would be a nightmare. The wind was blowing so hard it nearly knocked me over. It was wet, cold, and worst of all - my umbrella kept turning inside out due to the massive wind strength. I crossed the street towards the bus that would deliver me to campus. The bus was packed, of course, leaving my squished in between two people. English class went by very fast because I had my nose stuck in my book, "New Moon" the entire fifty minutes. Next trip - Sociology - Education Building. The weather had not changed once I made it to the outside again. The next couple of hours went by fast. I went home, thought about food, and read my book. My mood grew grumpier as the day went on. I did go eat lunch with my friend Alex though...that was fun.

I binged tonight to cut my story short, and I hope tomorrow is better.

10.21.08

Have I been blind
Have I been lost
Inside myself and
My own mind
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
By what my eyes have seen?

Interesting. I love Natalie Merchant. But. More than I love Natalie Merchant, I love words. Words are hitting me deeply today.

So, I got my acceptance letter from Ole Miss. Being "accepted" still has not phased me yet. Why would anyone want me? I know I'm worth it, but at the same time I also have a string of reasons of why I'm not. Weird, huh? Imagine being accepted to something...or even by someone. No matter how much I want the acceptance I still cannot fathom it. Acceptance is too good to be true in my world. Is it in yours?

Today was good...well, as good as it was going to get. The highlight of my day was my letter from Ole Miss. I woke up feeling nauseous this morning...that's nothing new. I went to class as usual. I came home, and checked my mail to find what I have been expecting for days. I was not surprised...at all. Why? Why does my "Acceptance" still feel like a dream? So, much later on...I went to group. I was bored - horribly. I did not want to be there. My life is not even consumed in my eating disorder right now, or lately for that matter (knock on wood), so why should I go somewhere for an hour and a half and be reminded of the torture I allowed my eating disorder to convince me to put myself through? That's like jumping of a cliff when you know you're going probably going to die. Maybe.

So, I went. I was bored. It's over with now.


:)

10/20/08

Today was good.
I don't have much time to elaborate. Apparently Blake and I are "together" again. =)
I have an early class in the morning...
I hope tomorrow is good!

10/19/08

Today was good. Very good. I've been reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyer; I'm obsessed...completely. Although I did not do much reading today, I did get a bunch of other things accomplished. Today I ran for the first time in a long time for about 45 minutes. It was amazing and fulfilling. When I got home from that I washed a load of clothes and cleaned and rearranged my room. I feel very productive.

Tomorrow is Monday. I will probably have a lot going on this week. I don't care. I am happy. I am excited about my admissions counselor from Ole Miss telling me that he is going to accept me, but I am still waiting for my acceptance letter. I'm still so confused about whether or not I should move, but I would never tell my mother that.

Blake and I have been really good to each other lately. I hope this isn't just some phase...
I love him so much. It seems like that is unacceptable to society. I'm starting to believe that I could care less about what "society" expects of me.

Heh. =) Goodnight.