![Catherine in the sky with diamonds. =]](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_BkYMtGvQQhc/SPz3j6cqUTI/AAAAAAAAAAg/UBUz7NgubP8/S1600-R/catherine+blog+header-1.bmp)
Some say love is when another person makes you feel complete. Some say love is giving everything you possibly can without expecting anything in exchange. Some say love is changing everything about your life to be with another person. What happens when love isn't enough? What happens when you give love, and you receive love back, but then a deeper part of you wants more love, but the other person isn't willing to give more up? What happens when everything you've ever said to someone you trusted and cared for more than anyone else is thrown back into your face, and then you do the same to them to feel free from the hurt that person?
I give up, I think. I have no idea what love is anymore. I've moved for two guys, and I never get enough in return. Am I really loving or is something just missing in my life or my heart that makes me complete? Love is never enough for me. I always want more. Maybe I am not chasing guys who love me, but I am chasing torture because I have mistaken that for love?
Everything I touch turns to shit
Everyone I try to love won’t hear of it
Now my hands are overfull of things I’d like to give
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want it?
Does anybody want me?
I’ve been mapping it out
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I’ve been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
Everywhere I look I see your face
No button I can push, delete, erase
Got nothing straight but for the emptiness
No one left for me to miss
I’ve been mapping it out
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
But I wish that it was something else
I’ve been mapping it out
Maybe you should find a girl who cares about herself
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
Down here we’ve got so much time to forget
I wonder if this is how I pay for the things I’ve broken carelessly
Nobody wants to step on it
I guess I just keep drinking
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
There's solace at the bottom of a bottle
ba da da da da da
The problem with falling is
sooner or later you have to hit something
Has anyone ever felt this way?
I don't know. I just feel alone. And I feel like I lost the only thing in my life that ever made me feel remotely complete. I feel like I destroy everything in my life that makes me happy, and shut out everyone who cares. What the fuck was I thinking? :-\
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1 comment:
Oh Catherine, you sound so much like I did 2 years ago. The one word I would use back then to describe myself was insatiable. If I was with someone I was lonely and miserable, but if I was by myself I was lonely and miserable. joy was something completely temporal, and I had no clue what it meant to be truly "happy". No one could fill the empty space I had growing inside me, and it only seemed to get bigger and bigger everyday. Have you heard the song "Maybe" by Kelly Clarkson? You should look up the lyrics. I think that describes the both of us perfectly. We're so much alike, you and me.
I have discovered, however, (and forgive me for sounding so cliche'), but the thing I didn't have was the relationship with Christ that I used to have. Of course I was unhappy, because I was trying to use men to fill that space in my heart only God can fill. You're such a smart and mature girl, and I hope you don't think I'm preaching to you, because I promise I'm not. I know you love the Lord, I am just telling you what got me out of my "love funk". Without being intimate with Christ, it was impossible for me to be intimate with another human being. In order to give or receive TRUE Love, I first had to have His love inside me, or it was just not going to happen. I could lie to myself and say that I was happy with another or I was happy alone, but I knew I wasn't. In fact, at that point, I had kind of grown to resent God. I had pushed Him away so much, and I was lost and miserable. The sad part is, I didn't realize I was at the time. It's only looking back on it that I see. It lasted from about spring 2006 to summer 2007. Then something horribly drastic happened in my life. I think I remember telling you about it. My panic disorder got out of control - I was having panic attacks every night and it was ruining my everyday life. It took something like that to realize how far I was from what truly matters. I guess I have a hard time listening to God, so he had to hit me in the head with a 2x4 to get my attention.
I only tell you all of this in hopes that it helps at least a little. Maybe try to just say a prayer tonight and ask God to show you where He wants you and who He wants you with. He'll answer, I promise. You can call me or text me anytime girl. I'll be praying for you.
Sorry this was so long, I just saw so much of myself in what you wrote, I couldn't help but say something. I love you!
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